Miserable
by Miss92
Summary: Lily feels miserable and just isn't her usual self now James seems to have had enough of her.


**Miserable**

A shock went through her body as she picked up the picture that she had thought she had lost over a year ago. She swallowed hard as she looked at the four boys on it, holding a banner that read: 'We miss you, Evans!'. The boys were all wearing shorts and grinning at her. One of them, the one wearing glasses, sent her a wink and seemed to wear the widest grin out of the four of them. Tears welled up in her eyes as she was once again confronted with him.

She had hoped that after putting away everything that remembered her of him she would be able to slowly start moving on. But she supposed that it didn't work that way, because every time she was determined this would be the last time she cried over James Potter, he had his own way of coming back to her. As though he wouldn't allow her to get over him.

Furiously she wiped the tears away that were rolling down her cheeks and she put the picture on the bottom of her suitcase with the backside up, so she wouldn't be confronted with his genuine grins ever again in the near future. She had had enough of crying over him; she had had enough of feeling sad and depressed all the time. But most of all she had had enough of him and his stupid, cheeky grins.

It had been a month. A month since their last fight and a month since he had slammed the door to his own apartment behind him after telling her he wasn't coming back. A month since she had packed her bags and since she had owled Remus Lupin to tell him to contact James. So, he could tell James that his apartment was free of her and that she wouldn't bother him ever again.

She sniffed as she closed the suitcase on her bed and looked around the guestroom in her sister's house. Petunia had crumpled her nose when she had found her, Lily, in front of her door, crying and begging her sister if she could please stay with her until she had found her own apartment. Surprisingly, her sister had agreed, though Lily suspected it might have had something to do with the fact that the neighbours were watching the scene as well.

Soon after she had settled in her sister's guestroom an owl had arrived with a letter from Remus. In this letter he made it very clear that he thought she was stupid for just saying goodbye to the relationship James and she had had. But she hadn't really cared about his opinion for he had not been there. He hadn't seen James' face and he hadn't heard his words.

She wiped away some more fresh tears from her cheeks and then heard a snort coming from the doorway. "Quit your _constant_ weeping," she heard Petunia say, "it's annoying and it isn't as though someone died." She wanted to snort as well, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Someone might not have actually died, but she felt as though a part of her had died.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled as she got up and shot her sister a watery smile. She lifted the suitcase from the bed and grabbed her wand. "Thank you for letting me stay, Tuney."

Petunia nodded and then eyed her sister. "You do realise you'll have to go out off the front door. My neighbours are already wondering when they've rarely seen you out." She felt another pang of hurt go through her body. The only thing her sister really cared about was what society thought of her. She would probably start weeping constantly herself if someone ever dared to say that she was far from normal. Because that was what she loved: normal people, normal clothes, normal things…

She walked towards her sister and with a flick of her wand made the bed in the guestroom. Petunia went chalk white, but Lily ignored this fact and started to descend the stairs. Her sister was following her, as though she was afraid Lily would do something else that was not normal. Well, surprise, surprise, she wasn't normal.

"Thank you, again," she said as she opened the front door. "If you ever need help, you know where to find me." Her sister smiled tightly and stood on her tiptoe to watch her neighbours' houses and let out a groan.

"They're watching," she said and then leaned towards Lily. "Don't do that creepy disappearing on the spot thing unless you're one hundred percent sure that nobody sees you."

Lily rolled her eyes, used to her sister by now and she nodded. "Of course," she said and took a few steps backwards, waving at her sister for a last time before Petunia shut the door. She allowed herself to smile slightly as she thought about what her blonde sister would do right now: run up the stairs with a mop in her hand to clean the floor of the guestroom.

She then shivered and suddenly felt very cold and alone and she supposed that made sense. She didn't wear a coat, even though it was the middle of October and she was on her own, but she had to admit that the cold didn't really affect her. It was more the fact that she felt terribly alone without… well, _him_… that made her feel sick to the stomach.

She found a narrow alley and apparated on the spot. She was sure no one had noticed her for Petunia's neighbours had all went back to cleaning their houses as soon as they had discovered there was nothing to gossip about: no loud yelling, no tears, no dramatic hugging… nothing even remotely interesting happened during the department of the younger sister.

She felt her feet collide with the ground again and heard the sounds of the city meet her ears. Cars were driving by and occasionally a motorbike could be heard racing by. People were talking loudly and the smell of fresh doughnuts filled the air. She was very familiar with London, as she had lived in the city for 11 whole months. James had insisted she moved in with him and maybe that had been their downfall, she thought.

She walked out of the alley that she had chosen to apparate to and found herself immediately thrown into the crowded and fast pace of the city again. People were pushing their way through others, others were carrying several shopping bags and enthusiastically talking and laughing together and others were just happy to move in the right direction.

Her eyes caught every movement and her nose caught every smell and for a moment she felt at home and not so empty anymore. Then she realised that she would start to live a very different life in London than she had lived before. There would be no walks through the London streets while holding onto James' hand. There would be no more days of sleeping in and enjoying James' arm around her waist. There would be no more James to feed her ice cream or to massage her neck whenever she was feeling stressed.

There would be no more James to love her and there would be no more James to love.

She hadn't realised she had stopped moving until she was rudely shoved out off the way and she crashed against the wall of a rather filthy building. She groaned slightly as she realised that the right side of her cream shirt was now covered with something black and filthy. She didn't want to know what it was and decided to try her best to ignore the filth.

She took a deep breath and was happy to see that she had almost reached Alice's apartment. She had asked if she could stay with her and Frank Longbottom for a few days, so she could find an apartment in the neighbourhood. Alice had, of course, immediately told Lily that she could stay for months if she'd like that and then she had started to rant about how much she had missed Lily and that it was unacceptable that they hadn't spoken for a whole month.

She rang the doorbell and heard an excited yell from above her. "Lily!" She looked up and found Alice waving at her. She smiled and waved back and then Alice's head disappeared to appear in front of her face a minute later. "Lily," Alice said softly and the girl wrapped her arms around Lily, "you look horrible."

She only nodded in response and Alice let go off her, her eyes wide and Lily realised that her friend had probably been expecting a sarcastic remark. But somehow she hadn't been her witty self anymore, like she had thought back at Petunia's house: a part of her had died.

"Yeah," she said as she lifted her suitcase and followed Alice up the stairs to her and Frank's apartment. "I feel miserable as well." She almost couldn't believe that those words had actually escaped her mouth and by the look on Alice's face she knew that Alice couldn't believe it either.

"Oh," Alice said as she held the door to her apartment open for Lily to enter, "that's rather unfortunate." Lily only nodded and Alice let out a sigh. "I just made some tea, you look like you really need it."

Her friend left for the kitchen while Lily made her way to the room she knew to be the living room. It was small and cosy, but perfect for Alice and Frank. Lily had been here before, but she didn't want to think about those times and instead picked up a picture that she hadn't seen before. It was of Alice and Frank staring adoringly at each other before they flashed a smile at the camera.

It made her smile and as she looked around the room and expected other pictures with painful memories for her on it, she realised that this was the only picture left in the whole room. "Where did all of your pictures go?" she asked as Alice entered the room with two steaming cups of tea.

Alice frowned slightly and let out a sigh. "I figured it might be too much for you to be confronted by James flashing you his cheeky grins all around the room." Her hands trembled as she took the cup of tea from Alice's hand. Her friend noticed and shook her head, before sending her a sympathetic smile. "Lily, I'm so sorry."

"There is nothing to be sorry for," she said and shrugged, "it was probably for the best."

Alice frowned. "Who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself, because either way… I think neither of us is buying it."

She put her tea back on the table, got rid off her shoes and then pulled her knees up to her chin. "Look," she said and sent Alice another one of her watery smiles, "all I know is that it might not have been the best choice for me, but it is the best choice for James and I want him to be happy."

Alice sighed heavily. "Oh, bravo," she said and then rolled her eyes, "you're going to win an Oscar for this amazing acting performance." Lily didn't respond, but only looked at her green socks. "You know it isn't the best choice for James and you know that leaving him certainly didn't make him feel happy."

Lily's eyes met her friend's in a fierce stare. "I am not the one who left," she said, "James told me he wasn't coming back ever again after telling me that he wanted anyone but me." Alice seemed stunned and Lily huffed. "What version has he been telling all of you? The version in which I left him, because he was being overprotective once again and how he was left crying on the floor, while I slammed the door behind me?"

Alice stared at Lily, who had now stood up and paced the length of the room. "Well, guess what? This time it was the other way around." She felt tears welling up in her eyes again and when she looked at her friend, she noticed that she also was biting her lip to stop herself from crying. "This time _I_ was being overprotective and this time _I_ was left crying on the floor after being yelled at."

"Lily," Alice said, wiping a tear away, "we didn't know. James wouldn't tell us anything, so we just assumed…"

"That it was me," Lily said and sat down onto the couch again. "I get it. It has always been me." The bitterness of her own words didn't escape her and she let out a deep breath and attempted to send her friend a bright smile. "Well, I'll go put my stuff away in my room. Thanks again for letting me stay."

Alice mumbled something that sounded much like 'you're welcome', but Lily couldn't be sure. She was sure that she had to leave the living room and her friend though, because she felt the tears sting in her eyes and the emptiness, that seemed to have taken over her ever since James had slammed the door, was pressing on her.

She walked into the small room where a single bed was made and flowers stood on top of the dresser. She smiled, typically Alice to cheer the empty room up with flowers. She put her suitcase down and lay herself down on the bed.

She stared up at the white ceiling and sighed again. She felt useless and once again came to the conclusion that she had to admit that she couldn't function without James around. She was a complete mess and she started to think that she might not ever feel right again. She was doomed to feel miserable for the rest of her life.

Suddenly, she felt very tired and she closed her eyes, breathing calmly in and out and she wanted to forget about everything that made her think about James. She wanted to stop remembering him and she turned on her side, pulled her knees up and hoped that this wish would come true when she woke up.

She almost jumped up as loud cheering voices entered Alice and Frank's apartment. One of those voices she detected as Frank's and another one of those voices… her heart skipped a beat and she sat up to look at herself in the mirror that stood on top of the dresser, next to the flowers. She was pale, her face was blotchy, probably because of the tears she had let her eyes escape before she truly went to sleep and her hair seemed lifeless.

"Frank!" she could hear Alice whisper loudly and the singing stopped. "You aren't supposed to bring the guys here!" She realised that Alice was probably standing just in front of her door and she could hear her swat something away before she continued talking. "Gosh, Frank, stop that! She's here, remember?" Lily heard Frank swear loudly. "Yeah! That's right!" Alice said, sounding annoyed.

"Who's here?" again her heart skipped a beat and her hands flew to her hair to make it look slightly better. "Is Lily here?" His voice had a high edge to it and she stood up as she heard people struggle in front of her door. "Let me see her!"

"No!" Alice then yelled and the struggling stopped. Alice had probably scared James by yelling so loudly, something she rather did. "No, you _stupid_ prat. You broke her heart into a million, no, a _billion_ pieces! So, I'm not letting you near my best friend!"

"What do you mean he broke her heart? She broke his!" she then heard Sirius yell and a loud yelling contest seemed to have started. Alice yelled all kind of insults she had never heard out of Alice's mouth before in James' or Sirius' direction and Sirius threw all those insults back at her by creating some very original ones.

"Oh yeah?" yelled Sirius when Alice had just told him to 'sod off'. "Don't worry, I will and I hope Evans realises that she is a _bloody_ stuck-up…"

Sirius never finished his insult and instead stood gaping at her as she took James' hand in hers and pulled him inside of Alice's guestroom, closing the door behind her. "I'm sorry," she almost whispered as she hastily let go off James' hand, "I just didn't want them to fight because of us." She felt James' intent gaze burn into the side of her head and she was sure she was blushing, but instead of looking back at him she steadily stared out of the window as though something very interesting was going on out there.

"Yeah," he then said and she felt tears well up in her eyes. Hearing his voice alone made her feel very emotional and she didn't know why. "I'm sure Alice and Sirius both know the insults they were throwing at each other didn't mean anything though."

She nodded and then felt the first tear roll down her cheek. She furiously wiped it away and forced herself to chuckle. "I'm sorry," she said and looked at him for only a split second, "I'm an emotional wrack these days."

His feet moved in her direction and before she knew it he held her face in his hands and forced her to look at him. Her tears now freely ran down her cheeks and wet his hands. "Lily," he only whispered as he looked at her. His eyes were filled with emotion as well and he shook his head. "Oh, Merlin, Lily," he said and his forehead now touched hers, "I'm such an ass."

She wasn't able to say anything. Her whole body was now shaking because of the sobs that kept escaping her small body. "I didn't mean anything I said," James continued and he kissed her forehead, "I was just so angry because you were right, as usual, but I didn't want to hear it." He was quiet for a moment and then he wrapped his arms around her. "Gosh, I love you _so_ much, Lily."

She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and pulled him closer to her. She breathed in his scent and let her hands stroke the back of his neck. "I don't want anyone but you for the rest of my life," he said, "I don't ever want to be without you anymore. I don't know who took over my brains when I said I wasn't going to come back and I don't know who took over yours when you thought I _actually_ wouldn't come back." He stopped for a moment. "Like I could ever stay away from you? I'm your personal stalker."

She let out a giggle and she knew this boasted James' confident as he stood up straighter and stepped back slightly. "Stay with me, Lily! Come with me and let's forget this whole stupid thing ever happened! Move in with me again!"

Lily pressed her lips against his and he lifted her up in his arms. She smiled against his lips and pulled back. "You're an idiot," she said, "you know that right?" He nodded and moved in to kiss her again, but she moved her head away. "You're lucky I want you back!"

James grinned and put her down on the floor again, entwining their fingers and kissing her knuckles. "I know," he said and pulled her closer again by the waist.

"And you're going to tell all of our friends that you were the one that messed up this time," James raised his eyebrows at her and Lily sighed. "Everyone thinks it was me, because you wouldn't bloody tell them anything about it."

James grinned again and he nodded. "Fair enough, I'll tell them."

Their lips met in a passionate kiss and Lily felt more than contented and wished they could stay like this forever, but when she felt James' hands move under her shirt she stopped him and gave him a pointed look. James smiled sheepishly and removed his hands from under her shirt. "There is one positive thing about this whole break-up we tried," she then said and James frowned slightly. Lily pecked him on the lips. "I found out that I'm completely miserable without you."

James smiled and leaned down again to capture her lips in a mind-blowing kiss.

**Author's Note: **Well, that was another story. Aren't you all proud that I wrote two stories (okay, oneshots) in two days? I guess I'm really inspired. Anyway, I hope you all liked this one. Please leave a review and thank you very much for reading my story!


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